‘Lo! Oofy here. Only trick I learnt at prepper was from One-legged Lemon – don’t know why we called him that. His name was Mr Lemon. Bit of a hero.  Lost a leg in the war. Point is. He told us. Best way to make anything we wrote impressive was to pop in a phrase that – pardon my pyjamas – didn’t have anything to do with the rest . See that ‘pardon my pyjamas’ f’rinstance. Got it in without you noticing but still you found yourselves thinking, this chap’s not such a burk as he sounds – I bet. Point is. Old OLL got me thinking how I could make history a bit easier all round if there were fewer people in it.

So Humphry Repton wrote the novels of Jane Austen.

Another trick I learnt from the Professor. Throw in the odd Spoonerism. Throw the letters around a bit in a word. Knock out the vowels. Add a few accents, and people start to think you’re on a higher plane and haven’t time to be bothered with spelling and suchlike. Maybe Czech. Anyway that’s one of the stories I want to push. Humphry Repton writing Jane Austen’s books for her. That’s one of my editorial policies.